I haven’t posted in almost two months, but I have a very good reason… or perhaps it’s just an excuse.  But it’s a biggie.

The thing is–we took my son in for a speech therapy evaluation and came out with suspected autism.  It was a punch in the stomach like I’ve never felt before.  Handling bad news about myself sucks–news about jobs I didn’t get, bills I had to pay, infertility, surgery debacles–but handling bad news about my almost-two-year-old son is a blow I wasn’t prepared to take.  Is anyone?

But this blog isn’t about autism.  It isn’t about my son’s struggles–it’s about mine.  And through this news, I think I’ve learned something rather disappointing about myself–something I need to overcome.  And now is the time.

We feel strongly that my son’s condition is mild if anything, and that he’ll respond to therapy and quite possibly be off of any spectrum by the time he starts school.  My concern is the word “autism.”  I feel if he carries that word with him, it will be a self-fulfilling ailment: if he believes he’s supposed to struggle socially, he most certainly will.  So I’ve been debating on whether we will ever tell Blue about the word that was tossed around just before he turned 2.  I’m not even sure I want to obtain a formal diagnosis.  If one doesn’t exist — then we wouldn’t be hiding anything from him.  

How does this relate to me?  I was relaying this issue to a friend last night and heard myself saying something along the lines of: “We all look for reasons why we can’t succeed.  This would give him one big one.  Who needs help finding excuses?” 

And it hit me.

This word has already provided me with an excuse.  I can’t write my book–my blog even–because my son might have autism. 

In fairness — there are things that need to be done, therapies that need to be coordinated.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t find time to follow my own dreams. 

I heard that moms of kids with autism are often called “autism warriors.”  It’s not a title I desire (though who does?).  But I think it’s up to me to define myself.  I can dedicate my life to this… or dedicate my life to myself (which my son is a big part of) and live the definition I choose.

I think that our blog is a bit misleading in that it talks about tackling one goal at a time.  “Pick one,” I’ve said on a number of occasions.  But the truth is–that’s not life.  By tackling one goal at a time, the curve balls that make up life will quite possibly take over…and that’s not okay.  It just has to be possible to fight the good fight on behalf of my son–and show him how I can still be the person I want to be.  Isn’t that the ultimate lesson?

Stay tuned.

 I actually love the idea of starting fresh in a new industry.  It’s sort of sexy and a great way to maximize what life has to offer.  But the brainstorming is already bombarded with Yeah Butts (my mother liked to point out my habit of introducing those pesky little creatures). 

These are the ideas that have floated through my wee brain regarding the THEN WHATs:

Dental Hygienist – minimal additional schooling required; decent day rates; most work as much as they choose (allowing time for family/writing)… BUT no freedom on the job.

Editor (TV/Film) – tackle storytelling from a new angle, could be lucrative, interesting to work alongside creative… BUT expensive educational requirements, long hours away from home

Graphic Designer/Website Designer – fascinated with layouts and design, a few classes could be enough to get me started, writer/designer combo could be lucrative… BUT even a freelance career means remaining part of the corporate world; constant job scrounging

 Ideas?  Anyone?

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. 

No, really? 

Yeah, yeah – kinda the whole point, right?  But here’s a question I’m not sure I can answer yet:  is it better to go balls-out for your big dream, making the plan, dedicating your free time, taking the risks and going for it 100 percent…

OR (how can there be an OR?)

Do you complement said dream with a backup plan?

AND (there’s an AND, too?)

Does the backup plan muddy the dream? 

I know, without a doubt, that I want to be a writer—not in a big corporation making an OK living working 9-6, but achieving big things in publishing.  Big enough that I can exhale a bit financially, leave the corporate world, enjoy my family and maybe, just maybe—explore a little (the world, my mind). 

BUT (not the BUT)

That’s a big dream.  I won’t mention the risks and the lack of control, let’s just say this: I might not make it.  Most don’t.  So then what?

Ahhhh—the backup plan.  See where I’m going? 

I wish I could say I’d be happy working for another 20-30 years in the corporate world, but I can’t.  I got a taste of freedom when I freelanced and I can’t seem to shake it.  Now’s not the time, but someday it will be.  Then what (she asks again)?

You know that thing that you dread the most—that task, project, race, effort or goal that has been haunting you for way too long?  Ever notice that once you actually start doing it how it’s not nearly as hard as you thought it would be? 

Well, if you’d actually start doing it, you’d notice. 

Seriously.

Now that I’m actually making progress on my book, I’m realizing that it really isn’t that hard.  I let myself off the hook and decided that the SFD was far less intimidating than writing the final version.  And the final version will be far easier once I have the SFD.  All I’m doing at this point is telling a story—TO ME—and there is absolutely no pressure in that.  In fact, it’s kind of fun.

I found the same thing with losing the weight.  One day, I ate the cookie because I thought I deserved it.  The next day, I skipped it for the same reason.  Suddenly, missing out on a cookie wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as I’d made it out to be.  These days, breaking out the computer and doing a little (bad) writing is a piece of cake…

…so to speak.

If you’re like me you get discouraged when you want to achieve something so badly, can’t seem to make it happen, yet everyone around you is doing it like it’s no big deal. 

I remember when I was trying to get pregnant with baby Blue.  I always knew a few days in advance when that month wasn’t THE month, because I would suddenly be faced with an unbelievable number of pregnant women, women with babies… and pregnant women with babies.  (Shoot — my fertility doctor, acupuncturist and a urologist were knocked up during my darkest hours—the urologist had twins to boot). 

But no matter what you’re striving for—writing a book, running a 10K, landing a job, making the team, getting your child into THE preschool—no matter how easy the next guy makes it look, keep this in mind:  that guy is struggling with something too.   Those women I saw month after month might’ve gotten pregnant just by looking at their men, but they might not be able to cook mac & cheese like I can. 

And maybe they really, really want to… and just don’t know how to make it happen.

I figured out something very important today with regard to my book.  I’m writing for a very specific audience and have been following online forums with a passion to ensure that my finger is on the pulse and all (it’s also an excellent source of procrastination).  The SFD has been hard enough (when it comes to fiction), adding to it is that I feel like I’m underestimating my audience if I allow myself the SFD.  There’s no research, no contemplation, no… perfection – and these people deserve only the best. 

But the lesson I learned today isn’t about how I need to relax and be willing to write badly knowing that I can edit/polish later – it’s a discovery that’s actually sort of insulting to my audience (so forgive me if you ever should join that esteemed group). 

They’re not that smart. 

OK that sounds bad.  But here’s the thing:  I’m not that smart either.  I am one of them.  I’m writing for me (in more ways than one).  This book is not intended to educate anyone, it’s not supposed to do anything other than be fun, relatable and an easy, enjoyable read.  It doesn’t have to be movie fodder, doesn’t have to win any literary awards, doesn’t have to garner that “Today” show interview I’ve been practicing for… it just has to tell a few good stories. 

Sort of takes the pressure off.

Acronyms are slowly, but surely chipping away at our brains—what is the ETA of the CPK, ‘cause the CEO is LOL in his BMW. 

So forgive me when I add one: SFD = Shitty First Draft.   I’ve found it quite useful in my writing.  Tough press release?  No problem.  Just rough it together as best you can with the info you have available and fill in the blanks later.  Given the SFD, a spectacular final product is relatively painless.  Edit here, polish there: presto! 

I think the SFD can apply to just about any project.  Take our home office.  Now the “S” in SFD is all we’ve got covered at this point—but the idea of getting the items into a bit of organized chaos is a good one.  Once each piece of paper, each binder clip, each random cord and jar of coins is in a designated spot—actually setting up the office will be a matter of editing.

Funny thing though. The SFD has been harder to come by in my fiction writing.  I’ve a hard time not making it perfect the first time around—and not just with my current project.  My writing group used to make fun of me because I had the story so fleshed out by the time my turn came around, I wasn’t prepared for their feedback and (gasp) –the idea of making changes.  I was horribly derailed a few months ago when I read an amazing book (“The Help”) and realized my book was sorely lacking. 

Well—duh. 

The joy of the SFD IS that it is sorely lacking.  And that’s OK.  In fact, if its only purpose is to remove the chains we put on ourselves to be perfect the first try—freeing us to write crappy, misspelled, nonsensical tangents (that ultimately get us closer to where we need to be)—then that’s just f-ing brilliant.

Or, as I like to say, JFB.  K?

Baby Blue loves doing puzzles.  He’s pretty good at them, too.  He studies each piece and if he can’t find its home, he will move around the board physically until it becomes clear–he hasn’t yet figured out that he could simply rotate the puzzle piece. 

I like his technique.

If the writing isn’t working… if the weight just isn’t coming off… if the office isn’t getting any cleaner… if…

…just get off your bum and look at the issue from a new angle.  Try something different.  If one aspect of your life is soaring — apply that logic to the aspect that has yet to get off the ground.   But trying to fit the kitty cat into the piggy spot just isn’t gonna work — so get up, move around and look again.  The answer is right in front of you.

He’s not even two yet and already he is loaded with wisdom.  And really amazing blue eyes.

Warning:  there will be no flowery BS in this post.  No clever ending.  Just the facts. 

My goals for the next few months:

• Finish sloppy first draft of novel
• Start simple blog that will complement novel
• Strategize travel writing plan — brainstorm locations, story concepts
• Orchestrate technical needs for travel writing plan

As a freelancer, I spent seven years enjoying a blissfull existence in which time management was neither wanted nor necessary.  I woke up when I was rested–the alarm clock was more decor than  utility.  I could do a load of laundry, check email, work out, take a nap, write a press release and watch a talk show–in whatever order I wanted on that particular day.  Well…  that’s how I choose to remember it.

Things are different now.  I returned to the corporate workforce and became a mom all within the same year.  Suddenly, I can’t brush my teeth unless I bring a stack of towels with me, put them away, clean the mirror and empty the trash while simultaneously pulling the toothpaste out of the drawer and starting a bath for my son.  The alarm clock wouldn’t be absolutely necessary–we have a cute one with big blue eyes in the bedroom next door… but it is good to have that alarm  if I have any chance of getting something done–like a shower, for example, before baby boy wakes up.  And work is work.  Have to go there and do my thing for some 9-10 hours a day if I want to get the paycheck. 

So how in the world will I ever be able to create my next “life” in the midst of such a busy existence?  Who has time? 

I do.  I am the queen of wasting time.  Yes, me–who brings a stack of towels with me to brush my teeth.  The two biggest culprits?  The Internet and TV.  Eliminate those things and I could conquer the world. 

Maybe I should google “conquer the world” first to make sure… or watch that special on the History Channel (read: TLC)  in which I have absolutely no interest.

Anyway…